Is It Possible To Forgive Someone Without Reconciling With Them?
Q: How can you forgive someone who’s hurt you when reconciliation or even communication is risky or impossible? Is it biblical to stop thinking or praying about them? And if so, how?
A: From the phrase “risky and impossible”, I’m assuming that there’s some threat of physical danger. No, you are not obliged to put yourself or those you love into some kind of physical danger out of a mistaken notion of forgiveness.
Here’s the thing: I separate the ideas of forgiveness and reconciliation. Now, not everybody does this, and if you don’t separate these two terms, you’re going to have a different approach to this. But I believe that it’s possible to forgive somebody without yet being reconciled to them.
Forgiveness can be done unilaterally. It can be done simply by saying to them or in your heart, “I forgive you. I refuse to hold on to my feelings of anger and bitterness and hatred against you. I refuse to have this poison in my heart and in my mind against you. I just refuse that, and I give it to the Lord. I only want God’s best for you in every way. I’m not against you. I’m for you.” That’s forgiveness. Reconciliation goes much further and says, “Let’s come back together in a relationship where we trust one another.” I separate those two terms. I think that you can and should forgive a person who has hurt you, but reconciliation requires repentance, some time to rebuild a foundation of trust, and certainly a demonstration of repentance.
We are frequently asked, “How can I forgive? How do I process this properly?” I have found it so helpful to help people realize there’s a distinction and a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. On our part, we’re required by God to forgive. But reconciliation happens when the person who has done the harm says, “I’m sorry, what I did was wrong.” The offending party needs to acknowledge the problem. Beyond that, it takes time to reestablish trust. You can’t have a full reconciliation without there being a renewal of some kind of trust. It is important for people to realize that you can and should forgive, but reconciliation now requires the other party to be a willing participant.