Should Christians Set Boundaries with Family? LIVE Q&A for April 3, 2025

Should Christians Set Boundaries with Family?

From Margarita:

Hello. I tried searching for a video or post about boundaries with family (especially family) but was not able to find anything. Could you please talk about it in one of the videos and explain when is it that we are to set boundaries with family of origin and how to keep them?

I am reading this book called Boundaries, it is written by two Christian therapists (Henry Cloud and John Townsend). If you read it, do you think it is true and in accordance with the Bible, or just things taken out of context? I think I feel a lot of guilt when it comes to setting boundaries, and I would like to know when I am allowed by God to say “no.” Thank you!

I’ve never read the book Boundaries (by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend), but I am familiar with it second hand. It’s a book that is more than 30 years old, published in 1992. As I remember, the basic idea of the book was that it was good, appropriate, and healthy to set protective boundaries with other people, so that we don’t suffer from their abuse or bad treatment of us. They hoped to make the case that setting the boundaries or limits were good and necessary to protect our emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

I think that the philosophy behind the book Boundaries illustrates an important principle in the Christian life:

Two believers can have the same outward action, but for one it is sin and for the other it isn’t, depending on the attitude of their heart.

It is just this way with the concept of boundaries.

• For one Christian, it can be an appropriate, healthy response to legitimate abuse and ongoing danger.
• For another Christian, setting similar boundaries could be a selfish, indulgent, proud response.

Now, I am expecting that we are talking about boundaries in the sense of exclusion. In some sense, we set boundaries with everyone. You have good friends that you probably don’t want to have at your home all the time. You could have a boss that expects you to work too much when you aren’t at the job. But today, when people talk about boundaries, it is often in an extreme sense – like putting people out of your life altogether.

For example, it would not be like saying to your mother-in-law, “Please don’t come over to our house for 3 hours every day.” It would be more like saying, “I don’t want to have any contact with you for the foreseeable future.”

In a Christian context,

1. Boundaries can be legitimately used to protect against a real present or probable personal danger, protecting either ourselves or those close to us (like our children).

Let’s say a relative committed a violent crime and often has trouble controlling their anger around their family. For the safety of the family, it might be wise to say, “we will minimize our contact with this family member.”

2. Beyond the goal of legitimate protection, boundaries should be set to help the person in question, not to punish or exclude them.

To say to someone, “I’m sorry, but you can’t live in our home” or “I won’t let you keep borrowing my car” may be setting a boundary, but it can be something to help the person in the long run. It’s often the case that we don’t really help people by giving them everything they ask for.

I don’t think boundaries should be set (we should not exclude people from our life) as a “punishment” for the past.

We have to be careful that we don’t set boundaries to avoid relatively minor annoyances, or just because that person is of no “benefit” to us.

We shouldn’t forget the many calls to sacrifice and death to self.

Matthew 16:24-25

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Philippians 2:4

Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

John 12:25

He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

These don’t justify subjecting ourselves to real danger, either for ourselves or those close to us (like our children). But there is a line somewhere between “annoyance” and “danger” that we need to appreciate and ask God to help us to search our heart.

One more thing: cutting a parent off is drastic, drastic, measure. I’m sure there are times when it needs to happen, but because of the pain it causes the parent, it should only be done when absolutely necessary.

Remember the passage stated twice in the Old Testament and repeated in the New:

Exodus 20:12 (repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2)

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.

Especially when it comes to relatives, if you strongly believe a boundary must be made for your safety or that of those close to you, consider continuing contact in another way – by letters, by video, whatever. But cutting off all contact is a radical move that should be reserved for the most dire of circumstances.

Does the same wisdom apply to setting boundaries with a spouse?

Yes, in some sense, but there’s a difference in a relationship with a spouse. First of all, informal boundaries are normal in the give and take between people. But if formal boundaries need to be set within a Christian marriage, something is going wrong. Now, maybe things are so wrong that this needs to be addressed and something needs to be done about it. But we’re just going to agree from the start that this reflects a less than ideal situation, if such a distinct boundary needs to be set.

The other thing to consider is that in a Christian marriage, the husband and wife are one, and that oneness of who we’re supposed to be as husband and wife works against that formal setting of a boundary. Now again, could I hypothetically think of situations where it would be merited? No doubt I can. Such a situation would involve abuse, violence, severe demonstrated psychological manipulation and cruelty, mental illness, or a destructive addiction. Yes, I can think hypothetically of situations, but if a marriage gets to that point, and things are in a bad state, that couple needs a lot of help.

How do we find the courage or strength to overcome feeling psychologically threatened by a relative?

How do we set boundaries for a person or relative who could be psychologically unsafe? How do we find the courage or strength to overcome feeling psychologically threatened by a relative?

I think you need to talk about this with a trusted person. At least in the initial stage, you need to be open to the idea that the problem may be that you are feeling unduly threatened. It’s important to get some outside perspective on this. I would not trust the person that you’re having a dispute with to be the judge of that. It could lead to some serious gaslighting, and they might always assume that they’re innocent and you’re the one at fault. So, you need to get some outside eyes on the situation.

I do believe that it’s possible for somebody to be in a situation of supreme psychological manipulation, almost like a psychological violence. I think that’s possible, and measures would need to be taken. But in general, I also think that is overly diagnosed. People run to that kind of diagnosis to just get out of things they just want to get out of. I think both can be true. I think it can be a true phenomenon, and it can also be over-diagnosed. That’s why I think it’s helpful to get somebody else, another set of eyes on the situation, to really help you discern these things.

Is it appropriate to set boundaries with relatives who hold harmful spiritual beliefs?

If a person believes in a wrong doctrine, and it spiritually harms everyone else, would setting boundaries be considered vindictive? When are family members to be treated like heretics or false teachers?

First of all, I would ask, does it have to harm everybody else? Let’s say there was a relative who believed heretical things, and I knew about this, and I knew they also liked to talk about these things. I think it might be completely appropriate for me to sit down with my wife and children ahead of time, and say, “Look, we’re going over to so-and-so relative’s house. They believe some wrong things about this and that. Let me tell you what they’re likely to say. We can love our relative, we can have a heart for them, but you need to be aware that this thing that they believe is not true, and in some sense, they’re very, really deceived.”

I think there are ways in which we can remedy this, at least theoretically. But if it’s absolutely not possible to protect your family against some kind of very harmful heresy, then don’t go over to their house. But I don’t see why that would necessarily lead to a permanent declaration. Maybe a tough conversation needs to be had with that person. Let’s call him Uncle Joe. “Hey, Uncle Joe. I just want you to know that, as long as you’re going to talk about your Jehovah’s Witness theology, or whatever it is, as long as you’re going to talk about that, we’re not coming over. But if you can look me in the eye as a man and say, ‘I’m not going to talk about that with your family,’ then we’ll be happy to come over for an afternoon barbecue.”

So, maybe there’s a difficult discussion that needs to be had, and you shouldn’t hesitate to have such a discussion. That’s fine, that’s good. But I don’t think that we should jump to the idea that the best form of protection is separation. Sometimes that’s the right way to do it, but that’s not the only tool in our box. There are other ways for us to protect against such harmful things without necessarily resorting to separation. That kind of complete separation should only be used as a final measure.

How can I set boundaries on my 3 adult children who are not speaking to one another?

How can I set boundaries on my three adult children who are not speaking to one another? I know God is in control.

That would be pretty painful as a parent. Listen, when you’re a parent and your kids are little, you don’t like it when they fight and don’t get along. It causes you some pain. Well, I think that only increases as the children get older. No parent of adult children wants to see their children battle with one another. All I can say is, do everything you can to promote peace among your children. I want to acknowledge it may be impossible. But in general, I would hesitate to use cutting off relationship with your children as a tool to get them to relate better to one another. That would be something that I would only use in the most extreme kind of cases with my own children.

As a parent, you might be feeling a little desperate. You don’t like it that your children don’t get along, and they cause you a lot of pain, and you want to use everything you can to help remedy that. But cutting off relationship with any one of your children, such as if one in particular seems to be to blame, would be the most extreme step to take. It may in some cases be necessary, but only in the most extreme case. It’s the last tool you would use in the toolbox.

Should I still honor my father even though he seems to not want a relationship with me?

Is it wrong for me not to have a relationship with my father only because he doesn’t look for me and don’t really want a relationship himself? Is it still wrong for me not to honor him?

Dear sister, yes, I think you are wrong to not have a relationship with your father. Look, I understand that it’s painful that your father doesn’t seem to care anything about you, and that’s wrong on his part. He should not be like that. He is sinning against you, and it’s a legitimately felt hurt. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt about that. But it doesn’t mean that you’re not supposed to love him and honor him.

If it’s too painful for you to meet with him, start sending him some text messages. Start sending him some letters or cards, saying, “Father, I’m thinking about you. I’m praying for you, and I love you.” I think that you need to find a way to reach out.

Now, I’m assuming that there would be no real danger in reaching out, other than the danger of the hurt you feel inside, which is real. I don’t want to minimize that. But we are called as Christians to love those who don’t love us. In the case of your father, it’s wrong that he doesn’t love you and show it. But ask God for the strength and the grace to reach out to him even though he’s not reaching out to you.

How important is it to get baptized? Do we need to be baptized even if we don’t go to a church?

Baptism is necessary for the Christian. In theory, it’s not necessary for salvation. In theory, I can imagine a hypothetical scenario where an airplane is going down, and the person puts their trust in Christ, and they never have time to get baptized, but they still go to heaven. But I’m not talking about hypotheticals like that.

The bottom line is, Christians should obey Jesus Christ. You say Jesus Christ is your Lord and your Savior, don’t you? Well, if He’s your Lord, He told you to be baptized. It’s really that simple. You can debate whether or not baptism is necessary for salvation and plenty of other things. But I’ll tell you what you cannot debate. You cannot debate the truth that baptism is necessary for obedience, and Jesus called you to obey Him, to be baptized. So yes, you should be baptized.

Now, there’s another difficulty here in that you don’t go to a church. I don’t know the reasons why, and maybe the reasons are legitimate. There are legitimate reasons why some people can’t attend church or can’t find a church that they can really commit to. I understand that, but I think we would all agree that ideally, each one of us should belong to a good, healthy church. Maybe you need to reconsider and try again to find a church.

You should be baptized. You don’t have to be baptized in a church. I know that some dear Christian brothers and sisters would disagree with me on that point; in the practice of their church and in their theology, a baptism can only legitimately be conducted as a function of a church. And they have their reasons for saying that. I would say that it is the best way to do a baptism. But I don’t think it’s the only way. There are scriptural examples saying it’s not the only way. So, even if you don’t commit to church, if you’re a believer, you should obey the Lord Jesus Christ by being baptized. Many evangelical Christians don’t take baptism nearly seriously enough.